I realize that next in the line up is a blog about my end of summer break, but that ones not ready to publish and this pressing thought has invaded my brain.
It's sinking in that I don't live in Toronto anymore. I realisze that right now I live in Jerusalem, but at the end of the year I won't be returning to live in Toronto. I'll be home for a very short visit and then I'll be in Los Angeles for a few weeks and then I'll live in New York City. Now, as exciting as being able to call my self a resident of NYC makes me, this is absolutely one of the weirdest feelings I've ever experienced. I was tempted to write terrifying, but it's not, it's just a big deal. Even when I lived in Albany for a year, I still considered myself to be living in Toronto, just on a brief departure to another place - I realize this was not the most logical thought, but the point is that I don't think I actually thought of myself as not living in Toronto in some sense of the word at that time. So that makes this the first time that I have ever not been a resident of Toronto...well sort of...I still pay a phone bill and I still have a bank account, so I suppose there are things that give me some sort of resident status.
Not the point. The point is that this feels like a very big deal to me and the enormity of it is sinking in. I'm excited about all of this, but along with this realization it has sunk in that, as I don't live there, I do have to prioritize and save and plan out when I visit Toronto. It should not surprise many of you reading to know that I'm a bit of a homebody - I really like my family and friends and spending time with them - I am not much for LONG periods of separation and distance. I like to feel connected and detachment scares me. I need to consider when I need to come home versus when I want to come home versus when I can come home. I need to save money appropriately. I also need to live my life and explore the rest of the world and take a vacation every once in a while. I'm realizing that there is a very fine balance to all of this.
So now I'm faced with a bit of a dilema. I left Toronto very confident that I would not return until May or June 2012. I reasoned that it was expensive to come home and that it was more important to spend my money on visiting places I had not seen and that are much easier to access from this side of the Atlantic. However, when I left I did not know when my classes would start in LA and I did not know when my classes would start in NYC. I still do not have official confirmation, but it seems that I will need to be in LA by June 8 (possibly even earlier to settle in to an apartment). At the end of the summer I will only have at most 3 weeks to move to New York. This means that I will probably be home for 2 weeks at the ends of May and then not again until Labour Day weekend for Margot's Wedding. I find myself torn. On one side, I think that I should stick with my original plan and go somewhere in Europe for 2 weeks on my break in January. On the other, there's a part of me that's thinking that I need to come home. Even though my parents are coming in February, my sister may not be, my Bubbie is not, my aunts and uncles and cousins are not, and many of my friends are not. It is my responsibility to maintain my relationships while I am far from home, is there no obligation to come home and makes sure I get some time in Toronto while I can? This lifestyle/scenario is so new to me, I don't know how I feel about this. I am confused and fixated on not making an "irresponsible" decision - although I'm not sure what that is in this case.
I'd love to hear some thoughts on this matter - any advice is welcome.
The month of Elul is a time for reflection....right now I find myself thinking about the future by reflecting on my past.
Shabbat Shalom!
For those of you wondering, I will be doing some travel this year, a trip home would not be in place of those opportunities, it would just take one away. I booked flights to Greece yesterday - yay I'm going to Greece in October! I also have time to travel for a week over Pesach.
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