מתוסכל (metuskal) is probably one of the most useful vocabulary words I have learned since I arrived here. It means frustration. Frustrating is a great way to describe elements of the past few months. However, I don't simply mean this in the negative way that frustration is often associated. I've learned that frustration can also be a positive description. It can describe a challenge or the emotion experienced before accomplishing a goal.
Not being able to keep up to date with this blog has been frustrating. However, I have decided there is no use in backing up, I will simply keep moving forward and tell back story when necessary. Adjusting to life in Jerusalem with 2 roommates I did not know before coming here has been frustrating. Negotiating my expectations of myself, this year, and this program has been frustrating. However, it's been a practice in setting realistic expectations, learning about questions that should and need to be asked, and being flexible to your environment without giving up on things that matter. Balancing class and life has been frustrating. Although, I know that this is just part of the adjustment - I hope. Midterms were frustrating because, well they're midterms, and because it felt like there weren't enough hours in the week to stay on top of everything. Exams do not feel as frustrating, because I've learned to breathe and plan ahead.
Yesterday, I complained that yoga was frustrating - I've hit a wall and no matter how much I want to keep going the pain and plateau make me feel like I can't. I know that just by refusing to give up, by continuing to go to classes, by doing the motions despite the pain, I am breaking through that wall - slowly but surely. The important part is acknowledging the frustration but working past it. I have my reasons for doing yoga - it makes me feel good and I know it's good for me - o all I have to do is keep reminding myself of this fact and channeling my strength into breaking through that wall - because I can.
Today, I encountered two more examples of frustration. Not new examples - I've been discussing these frustration for a while - but I spoke the words "Ani metuskelet" - I am frustrated - twice. First in Hebrew, where I feel like I can't remember the many ways to conjugate verbs. I feel like I keep reviewing and practicing and it's not sticking and then the ones I know and am sure of get jumbled with the ones I'm not sure of and I get mixed up. However, I do know these binyanim better than I give myself credit for and I need to have more confidence in my knowledge. Second, I excused a slightly emotional moment in my Biblical Grammar class with this comment. Bibilical Grammar and Bible class are the best examples I have for frustration in a positive sense. These classes are very frustrating because there are so many parts to remember and so many parts still to be learned, however both classes are fascinating and I look forward to the days when I have them. I enjoy them so much, that I even enjoy my frustration over knowing an answer and not being able to explain it properly or knowing the meaning of a sentence and not being able to translate it word for word. These classes are not allowing me to simply know the answer, they are challenging and requiring me to know how to explain the answer.
We are almost at the midway mark of December. In a week and a half I will begin exams. In two and a half weeks I will be finished my first semester of my Masters', half way through my Year-In-Israel, and headed to Toronto for a much needed break. I am positive that these weeks will hold a lot more frustration. I am also sure they hold a lot of accomplishment, relief, laughter, and fun. Hopefully I won't be too exhausted when this is done.
Taking a few steps backwards for a moment - I won't write about the past - but here are some of the highlights not blogged about:
Tiyul to the south to Kibbutz Yahel, the eco-village at Kibbutz Lotan, the solar field at Kibbutz Ketura, Timan Park, Yotvata, and the beach in Eilat. We were joined by Rabbinical students from JTS and Ziegler. Included a dinner under the stars in the desert.
Coming in 2nd with Noah and Manda at Pub Trivia.
Training for B'Yachad - my Trumah project.
Successfully presenting on Supplementary Education to my Ed Seminar.
Visiting Jessie and Aviv in Haifa.
Throughout this month I am posting quotes from musicals that resonate with me on my tumblr. If you want, play along by responding with a quote from the same musical. This is a form of counting down to my birthday, although I am not successfully posting every day on there either.
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